When you’re stressed out, sometimes it’s hard to let yourself have a day off. I know that I have a really hard time allowing myself to relax and let myself wind-down. I can’t go a day without feeling like I’ve accomplished something or I just feel like a failure.
My anxiety leads me to needing a sense of completion and control, and I know that’s not how I want to live my life. I can’t help but feel like utter garbage whenever I take a day off because that was another day that I didn’t spend working on assignments or cleaning the house or something. I constantly have to remind myself that days off are supposed to be for slacking off and not doing work. I just want to feel refreshed after spending a day taking care of myself, but I can’t help to think about all of the things that I’m not doing.
I’ve even lost the capacity to enjoy playing most video games, which is a shame since they are really fun. I just can’t bring myself to participate in anything that doesn’t have some sort of real-world outcome that gets something accomplished. I feel sad for the loss of my ability to have fun, by myself, just for me. I can play games with other people, and I have a lot of fun when I do. I meet frequently with different groups of friends to play board games or to run D&D campaigns. I play games like Pokemon since I can connect and play with other people (and show off how cool my team is), I love to play Guild Wars 2 when my friends are online to play with me as well, sometimes I play multiplayer games with my boyfriend, or we watch YouTubers play videogames, but I don’t really play games for just me anymore and that makes me feel sad.
I want to enjoy games on my own, but I can’t at this moment in time. Maybe it’s because I’m so busy with school and everything, but I’d rather watch Netflix and browse Reddit, and that’s okay too. I just wonder if I’ve lost the capacity for play and that scares me. Play is so fundamental to being human, and I just want to enjoy playing games and relaxing by myself again without feeling guilty.