Sometimes I worry way too much. I think about what could have been, what might be, how my life is going, etc. That’s all fairly normal, I think, but I always tell myself a bad story when I think about those things and I worry about the worst-case-scenarios. I am always wondering if people like me or not, I’m always worried about whether or not I made a fool of myself in a social situation (like if I ask a stupid question when I go out for coffee with someone), and I’m always worried about whether or not I’ll be successful.
My success in this moment it directly influenced by the grades I’m getting in school, whether or not I’m in good standing with my classmates, and if I’m making a good impression on potential agencies/employers. It doesn’t always matter how much real life success, experience, or social expertise you have, insecurities have a way of coming up and making you doubt yourself.
I think maybe part of it is I’m afraid that I’ll be too cocky or self involved if I allow myself to think of successes. I don’t want to give myself the opportunity to even remotely think that I might be better than other people. I know that’s silly, but I think one of my biggest fears (besides centipedes and being alone) is letting things go to my head. I always want to be humble and helpful, but I also think that I am good at some stuff. There’s a fine line between being vain and insecure, and sometimes I feel like I teeter on that line. I don’t think that everyone would agree with me on that dividing line, which is okay, I don’t know how true it is either, but I think that there may be some merit. I think that it’s just hard to admit when you’re too hard on yourself and you feel depressed. It’s hard to admit that I feel sad, and that when I feel sad I take it out on myself.
It’s okay to be good at something. I think I’m really good at a lot of things, but I find it difficult to admit it. I think it’s harder for me to say nice things about myself than it is to admit that I have mental health problems. It’s harder for me to be kind to myself than it is to tell people that I have anxiety and depression and that makes me feel sad.
People who have experienced this may not even know that they are depressed. I think that people think depression is normal, so they are constantly telling themselves a bad story, thinking that it’s okay. Or, sometimes we can just be numb, or angry towards our imagined shortcomings and deficits. It’s not normal to tell yourself mean things all the time. In fact, it’s really unhealthy. I try my best every day to mediate what I am telling myself, or talk to someone about how I’m feeling, but sometimes it’s really hard.